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The Road to Suicide

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February 25th, 2011

07:28 pm
At twenty-four years old, I find it refreshing to have at least one constant in a life full of so many changes: the presence of alcohol and my ceaseless passion for it.
The men come and go so quickly, clothes only fit for so long, one shower is good for only five days, your fast food job stopped being satisfying before you fi nished filling out the application, your cats die or even worse, you become allergic to them. You keep the cats anyway, but it always reminds you that you're the type of person to force things to be a certain way when nature dictates otherwise. You keep yourself constantly aware of what a fool you are.
And that just paves the way for alcohol to make its heroic entrance, to see the damsel in distress and just knock her right off her feet, flat on the floor where she belongs until tomorrow evening.
No man has ever created the same effect for me.
Oh but the role of a man in my life is such a complicated issue. There's such a mess in that area of my brain that it has recently become much like my bedroom. A huge mess that I navigate through to the bed where I can just go to sleep and ignore that there's a disaster zone all around me.
Fuck if every time I look down my shot glass is empty when I swear I poured a fresh one just a second ago.
As we speak, I am digging my own grave. No, that's the wrong metaphor because in almost any negative situation, I would prefer to be digging my own grave, lowering my own casket, embalming my own flesh. Yet here I stand tall, prolonging my misery in the name of idiocy, for the sake of foolishness. Because what else does someone like me do with her time here on Planet Earth? Long ago I marked myself a nonbeliever in making my mark on the world, considering my sole responsibility to make it through life without tragically harming another human being...as for my own well being, surviving suffices.
See where my low standards have gotten me? A burning pit of fire.
I feel like I've died and gone to hell.
When all I really wanted to do was die. And nothing else.
I'm going to be pissed if I die and something happens to me after that. I'm truly hoping my death is truly the end. In the event that it is not, I will find a way to contact the living and wreak havoc. I don't know how, but I thought through the phrase "wreak havoc" I encompassed almost anything a corpse or spirit could do.

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February 1st, 2011

05:33 pm
When the smell of alcohol induced vomit reminds you vividly of the date you went on last week, it's probably God's way of telling you not to see that guy again.
But I'll probably go out with him again next time he calls me.
You know what I like the most about this guy? He doesn't call me every day. He leaves me alone in between dates. He doesn't need reassurance that I'm thinking about him and I don't have to lie and say that I am. Because most of the time, I'm not.
We kissed on our second date, and I didn't see sparks, to be honest. That doesn't mean I'm not willing to see what else he has to offer physically.
It's not a stretch to say I've been on the shallow end of the dating pool since Alex and I broke up almost a fucking year ago. I'm in need of a penis and I almost don't care who it belongs to. Sure, I have a few preferences, some of them more attainable than others.
There's the old reliable for when I want something familiar that isn't a challenge but still freaky enough not to bore me.
And then there's the sexy, unattainable man I dream about, have dreamed about for years. The mystery of what miraculous being throbs beneath those sexy pants.
You know I'd go on if I could but I have urgent matters now.

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September 1st, 2010

08:02 pm
Sad is such a three letter way to describe how I feel.
Too small.
I'd rather make up my own word that's longer so it encompasses more emotion. Such as sadanesquerada. I would've put an accent over that last e if I knew how, to make it extra dramatic. But I don't know how, which only makes me sadanesqueradaer.
My foursome is now a splitsome and I understand it but I hate it. It used to be four of us. We had such rules and regulations. That made me happy because rules always mean you mean business so it's the real deal.
I can't put it back together and I suppose I don't want to, but I wish things never did change. Is it so bad to wish things were still so innocent? To wish my good times came from driving my friends home from high school and getting a thrill from trying to get from one destination to another without stopping?
I feel like that is what I've done though, and I don't like it. I've gone from one destination to another without stopping. And I really wanna stop.
But it's not gonna happen.
I guess it almost feels like when a relationship ends. But worse, because this is like when you think you've found the one and you're engaged and you've already prepared yourself to spend the rest of your life with that person and then it abruptly ends.
We were supposed to be friends forever.
There are too many changes taking place too close together.

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April 27th, 2010

01:39 pm
All I can say is that the world has lost an incredible man. I can say that I am absolutely blown away by the strength my best friends have shown. It's amazing how you can already see that he lives on in each of them. Amazing.
You don't have to be strong, though. Know it! It's okay to fall apart. To need someone, to be scared. We're here to be strong for you. To be whatever you need us to be. No one should ever have to face what you're facing. Let me be there for you.
What a guy he was! What a man.
All my love to Ma, Thu, and Lynn.
Here's to you, Ba. How you will be mourned.

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March 15th, 2010

11:07 pm
Signed the lease today!
I'm so very excited to be taking my life in a different direction, albeit sideways rather than forward. I'd like to think that I am zigzagging through life. Less direct, but more fun. We all have the same destination, anyway.
I'm in love with my new apartment. I can easily say that the windows are my favorite part. Sunlight enters gloriously. I can pass out drunk on the couch and when I wake up to see that it's 3:00 I'll actually know whether it's 3:00 in the morning or the afternoon. What a wonderful thing.
Just gotta put all my stuff in there now.

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March 10th, 2010

11:44 am
Lots of garbage piling up in my mind. The truck never comes to collect it anymore.
I have today off, so I should be using this time wisely to get things organized and packed. But it's so hard for me to focus right now for some reason.
I had Hootie and the Blowfish songs playing in my mind literally all night long last night and then I dreamed that my sister was married to Darius Rucker and I was so happy that he was part of our family.
I was devastated when I woke up.
Currently I have hangnails on most all of my fingers. Don't know how to be gentle with my hands.
It seems like a good idea to make a to do list. So I did. But now I already feel such a sense of accomplishment for making out my list that I feel I deserve to take a break.
Tea time!

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March 9th, 2010

01:27 pm
There is so much I need to be doing right now.
It's much harder for me to move forward with this moving thing when I'm not being backed up by anybody. I guess they're standing on one side of the fence hoping that I'll see that as a glaring and obvious reason that I just shouldn't do it while I'm on the other side wishing that they could agree to let me live the way I want and to understand that I'm not trying to hurt anybody. Just trying to do my own thing.
It really doesn't help matters that my father literally begged me to stay.
I should've rented a bigger apartment, because I don't know where I'm gonna put all this guilt.

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March 3rd, 2010

02:13 pm
Tummy feels icky. I've mastered feeling nauseated. Naucious? Whatever. I'll stick with icky. There's no confusion about the proper usage of that word.
I feel bad that I'll be separating Junior and Jolene when we move. Part of me thinks that Jolene will be happy to see him go, but I believe she'll find that she misses him when he's gone. I know he'll miss her. I hope he won't be mad at me.
I can't imagine living completely alone, without even my little kitty.
I think people have a hard time understanding the bond I have with my cat. I love him quite in the same way that I believe a mother loves her child. Mothers across the world are scoffing at me, but it's true. I think about him when I'm not with him, hoping that he's safe and not getting into any trouble. I miss him when I'm gone. The highlight of my day is coming home and having him greet me so sweetly and follow me lovingly around the house. And I don't think it's pathetic that I feel that way.
I already worry a lot about what I'm going to do when he dies. The odds are that I will outlive him. I am not going to handle it well. I do not want him to die. Ever.
It's very boring at work today. Being bored is one of the worst feelings. There are worse ones, sure. But to be bored and have no way to stop it is frustrating. I can't go anywhere. Someone's got to run the ice cream store that no one is eating at.
Sometimes when I'm bored and alone at work, I'll do jumping jacks back here like an idiot. Get me my exercise in. Or I'll dance to the ColdStone music. But I'm too icky for all those fun and games today.
So I'm breaking the rules and using the work computer for recreation.
And now the phone is ringing and I hate answering the phone at work. Sometimes I just don't. Like right now.
Mmmkay. I think I'm gonna go push through the ickiness and have me a little dance party.

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10:40 am
I paid the deposit on the apartment yesterday. All I have to do now is talk to Georgia Power and State Farm for renter's insurance.
I think I'll steal some boxes from ColdStone today and start doing some packing.
There's still the whole issue of letting my parents know what's going on. I'm scared. I wish that at twenty-three years old, they were kicking me out rather than me going against their will.
I don't suppose I'll bring a computer with me at all when I move. I'll leave this one here for my parents. I wouldn't really want it, anyway. It runs so slow these days. And I really just don't want to pay for internet and the additional power that a computer would use up. And it would just take up some of my very limited space.
I feel like I can live without a computer.
I hope being on my own makes me feel happy and not lonely.
I hope I make enough money.
I hope I don't get robbed or raped.
I hope I will eventually find a good job.
I hope my dad will understand.
Oh I'm wiggin out. I'm happy, but I'm wiggin out.

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March 1st, 2010

08:39 pm
Scared. That's a good word for what I'm feeling right now. Scared but excited and also a little sick. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Having some people openly telling me I'm not, but having others encourage me. But ultimately it's up to me.
I don't want to let people down. But I don't see this as a crazy, rash decision. I've put a great deal of thought into it.
I just can't keep doing what I'm doing.
What a combo of good and bad feelings. But life is decisions. I must make mine.
Really liked the apartment I looked at today. And I must make a decision by Wednesday morning. Oh the crunch for time! So exhilarating. And so stressful.
But at least I feel alive.

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